Things that go SQUISH in the night.

Over the years, my kids have had all sorts of animals, as have their friends.

We’ve had countless fish, our dogs and our cat.

We even had My Lucky Buddy, Chase’s Hedgehog (yes, a hedgehog) who was a cute as a button until he died. The kids were all in elementary school at the time, and when I saw his four little stiff legs, I quickly covered the cage with a blanket and put the whole thing in the garage for Robert to take care of when he got home the next day. Except apparently Robert didn’t believe that the hedgehog was REALLY DEAD and so he took Tyler, who was about 9 at the time, and said, “hey, let’s go be sure Buddy is dead.”

Not the best thing to do to a 9 year old. Men can be so clueless.

I walked in to find Tyler at the kitchen Tyler just boo hooing because he had seen the dead, un-embalmed, I’ve-spent-24-hours-in-the-garage-dead-hedgehog.

I had to promise to put framed pictures of Lucky Buddy up in his room.

“We will remember him forever fondly, as a great hedgehog, right Tyler? (Even though he was Chase’s pet, and I took care of the little pin cushion.)”

“I..I…I…know….”

Beyond Lucky Buddy, their friends have had snakes, rats, mice, hamsters…Chase requested a snake last year and I said if he brought a snake in that house, he better be packing his bags when he did it because he would be going to live with grandma.

I ain’t livin’ in a house with no snake.

I won that battle.

That being said, the person who has always, ALWAYS had the strangest creatures has not been any tween.

Nope.

It’s always been my step dad.

Besides your normal house pets, he’s had a worm farm, bees, he currently has a hen house and roosters…he routinely finds random animals in magazines he orders, and voila, compliments of FedEx, there is a new pet on the front porch.

My poor mom.

She married Dr. Dolittle.

So I called over there tonight and he picked up the phone, and before he started to yell for my mom said, “hey, guess what my new pet is?”

I can only imagine. What could he possible get that’s any weirder than his previous creatures?

not me.

Oh, but he totally out did himself on this one.

He is now the proud owner of three:

 MADAGASCAR HISSING ROACHES

You know. The ones that they used on Fear Factor to terrify people, or that they’ve blended into roach juice on Survivor and made people drink?

The ones that are as big as a hand?

Yep, THOSE.

While the rest of us in Texas are hiring bug killers to get rid of roaches, my step dad is now mating giant ones.

At first I thought he was kidding.

“I’ve got them out right now, I’m petting them as we speak,” he said.

I still wasn’t sure.

And then I could hear my mom, far off in the distance, half-yelling:

“I’M NOT COMIN’ IN THERE TILL YOU GET THOSE %^&$W% THINGS AWAY.

AND IF ONE OF THEM FALLS ON THE FLOOR, I’M STEPPING ON IT!”

Nope, he wasn’t kidding.

He had three roaches as big as my Ipod, sitting on his hand, and he swore he was petting them.

Finally, my mom came to the phone, still threatening him not to come near her with those things.

I guess I know what I’m getting her for Mother’s Day.

Anyone know where I can buy a Raid Gift Basket?

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