I’m still trying to determine what kind of eater I am and I’m going to be. I ran into a small obstacle today.
I was out at both a work lunch AND work dinner. The issue was not eating out, the issue was that with all the reading I’ve done on vegetarians, and ovums, and pesco this and lacto that, I never remember reading what vegetarians do about shellfish? I was looking at a menu thinking, okay, hmmm, do I eat shrimp? What about raw oysters (stop it, I love them!) Do they count?
I was running through the logic in my mind…I never could come up with a good answer, so in order to go light I had some grilled shrimp at lunch and raw osyters at dinner.
Come to find out, most vegetarians eat neither. Apparently if it reproduces or has eyes, you don’t eat it if you are supposed to be a vegetarian.
So, I get an F for today.
Okay about the ahem, cough, cough, Buffalo Tofu.
Let’s just say I’m not posting that recipe.
Or a photo.
If you’ve never purchased, or eaten, tofu, let me educate ya a little on bean curds.
When you buy Tofu at the store, if you’ve never seen it hidden under 16 inches of dust, behind 6 bottles out outdated organic juice and tofu weenies, it comes in this little box about the size of two decks of cards.
The first clue that I was headed down the wrong path should have been the fact that I needed scissors to pry it out of the box.
And, if you’ve never seen tofu out of the box, it’s like a semi-solid, white mass, in the shape of a square, with the consistency of maybe old Jello? Like it’s solid, but it jiggles and breaks really easily. DING DING DING, hello…earth to Shannon…somethings ain’t meant to be Buffaloed!
But no, I plowed ahead!
The recipe said to either put it under some plates for a few minutes, or press it to get all the water out. 
I ain’t got time at dinner to be puttin’ my meal under plates to squeeze out the water.
I’ve barely got time to fry an egg ovum in the evenings.
I got out the paper towels, and tried my best to PRESS the mass, without SQUISHING it.
I cut it into cubes like the recipe said, heated the oil and gently put the square domino thingies into the oil.
And then, I stood there.
After a minute, I realized something: I have no idea how the hell you know when Tofu is DONE.
It doesn’t brown very much.
I can’t exactly jiggle a wing or a thigh to see if it moves.
There are no juices to run clear.
I can’t even cut into the center and see if it’s pink!
I just stood there thinking, okay, huh, what does COOKED tofu look like?
I managed to flip it a few times, and it very, VERY slightly browned, but not much. And the consistency didn’t change one iota.
There I was, cooking white bricks of bean curd, in oil, trying to determine when they were ready to eat.
Finally, I just got tired of flipping the bean curd, and I took it out and put it in the buffalo sauce.
This is where you should be REALLY glad I didn’t take photos.
You can thank me later.
I’m not exactly sure how to describe what that looked like, other than a MESS.
Did I give up?
NO, dear fans, I did not give up on my quest to have Buffalo Tofu Wings!
I swirled the squares around in the buffalo sauce, waited a minute and then, I TOOK A BITE.
HOLY FREAKIN’ SOY BEANS, I SPIT THAT ^&*$%#$ RIGHT BACK OUT.
BLECH!
Imagine white paste, with the texture of soggy scrambled eggs, covered in Buffalo Sauce.
BLAHHHHHHHHHH!!!
It was horrid, like really, really awfully bad. YUCK, YUCK, YUCK!
And then, I had an evil thought.
It hit me…huh, I wonder if anyone will eat this, seeing as how they all love buffalo sauce like me?
Huh? Should I?
I did.
I left it all sitting there and went to brush my teeth.
About twenty minutes later, a victim came walking in: my husband.
“That stuff in the bowl is good,” he said.
I just sat there, frozen. Did he really take a bite of the bean curd?
“Really,” I said, slowley? “What did you think?”
“Well, that sauce was great. But what the hell is that mess sitting next to it?”
DAMN.
Next week, I’m gonna slip them a little veggie taco meat and see if anyone notices. 
For right now, I’m not so sure I’m a vegetarian. I think I more of a middle-of the-road-atarian?
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HAHA…you’re hilarious. I’ve never tried tofu….and now, I never will! No vegetarianism for me *grunting like a cave man*
Jen Gacek´s last blog ..Gold Star
Stopping in from SITS – I’m a vegetarian but I can’t STAND tofu!
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LMAO
Whoo. You are way braver than me. I only eat tofu in restaurants. Where someone else has cooked it. It’s great in chinese food.
The deal for me is that I am not interested in meat substitutes. I figure if I am giving up meat, why do I want to eat something that looks like meat?
OMG-that is hilarious!! Why do you want to be vegetarian? I’ve found there are as many definitions of vegetarianism as there are vegetarians! Some because of how cows and chickens are treated, some to rebel against corporate farms so they eat free range chickens and grass fed cows…others are against the anything living thing…do plants feel pain? Regardless you reason….keep writing about it because it’s TOTALLY entertaining!
You know, you may be onto something… If I had to cook or eat that I would stop eating altogether and lose some weight!
You are very brave.
I do not prepare tofu myself. I will eat it at a restaurant if someone else prepares it. My son used to it eat plain and cubed with tomatoes…every freaking’ day…ick.
Twitter: 504main
That is classic. I have recently, because I read the new California Pizza Kitchen menu with the calorie count on it, started a vegetarianish diet. By that I mean. I don’t any meat all day but most nights will have half a chicken breast or a little fish. I haven’t had red meat since I started, but PLEASE DO NOT tell anyone from my hometown. They might have me burned at the stake.
Twitter: ooph
Are you kidding? I will keep it a secret. I live in Texas for crying out loud. Vegetarians are about as popular as yankees, and I don’t mean the football team!
My Hubby can make a mean tofu, but I think it works only with lots of seasoning & broken up or with the chunks used in a dish. I’ve tried it only to fail miserably.
AND I LOVE the cartoons, he is one of my favorites. Savage Chickens causes me to die every time I read it.
beth aka confusedhomemaker´s last blog ..Knighs in White Satin