What am I going to do with my child?

Remember that old joke about locking your kids in a crate until they’re 18 or something like that?

I am headed that way with Jordan, only I’m not going to lock him in a crate, I am going to glue his lips shut.

I have somehow birthed the perfect blend of equal part class clown, smart a**, and cute kid.

It’s a dangerous mix I tell you. 

He knows exactly what to say at the right moment that will absolutely drop jaws from the nearest adult. But, just when you are ready to deny his lineage, he cracks a grin or laugh that makes you back down and think, ‘wait, maybe that was kind of funny? Was it? I don’t know now? Maybe I’m the one who’s crazy?’

On Thanksgiving, we were sitting at the table with my mom, enjoying our turkey dinner.

My mom was trying to be conversational and said, “so Jordan, how’s Cotillion?” (the Cotillion that she helped pay for…)

Jordan replied, with a mouth full of food (must’ve not been paying attention during that lesson,) “Oh, it’s great, except I think I made the teacher mad last week.”

Great. This was my first time hearing how he’d already alienated the Cotillion teacher. Whatever. I tried to warn the teacher he would need this class twice and she thought I was joking.

I cautiously said, “What did you do?”

Asking Jordan “What did you do” when you don’t know the answer is like asking someone on the stand for murder if they did it. You damn well better know the answer before you ask the question.

Luckily, my mom knows Jordan really well, so I entered dark Jordan waters, and we waited for a reply.

“Well,” he started, “we were doing a skit and practicing before we did the real version. The teacher told me to pick my favorite movie.”

Long pause. I set my fork down.

“And,” I said? “What did you say?”

Now, before I answer, keep in mind, he’s 12. Not 18. Or 17. He’s not even 16. He’s 12.

Knowing that’s he 12, you might think he would spit out some Will Smith movie, or a good comedy.

Nope. What did he tell Ms. Manners his favorite movie is?

The Hangover.

Before anyone calls CPS on me, I did not take him to see that.

Do you see what I am talking about now?

I am sure she doesn’t have many Cotillion kids saying their favorite flick is about hangovers, and I am quite certain she wasn’t ready for a response to that one.

But wait, it gets better.

We’re like the damn Ginsu knife family here with him.

BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE!

She politely asked Jordan to pick a new movie when they did the real skit, something NOT related to alcohol.

Of course, he did no such thing.

He said “The Hangover,” in the skit, and the kids roared.

Greeeeaaaaattt.

Seems my child thinks he is in an improv training class, and not a course on MANNERS!

And, in case you’ve forgotten, he is telling me this story for the first time, at Thanksgiving Dinner, with my mom sitting there.

Ah, where’s Normal Rockwell with his camera when you need him?

The best part?

My mom stuffing her napkin in her mouth, instead of turkey, to keep from laughing.

I told you this was hopeless.

If he gets kicked out of manners class class, ya’ll just wait.

I’ll give an Oscar worthy performance in The Hangover II.

And guess who I will thank first with my speech to The Academy?

 

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