I’d Like An Appointment. Please?

Someone, please, humor me, and tell me my husband is not the only one out there helpless when it comes to navigating medical or dental appointments?

And I don’t mean appointments for the kids. He’s pretty good at that.

The problem is, he’s a little bewildered at making appointments for himself.

Several weeks ago, he started to get a toothache.

He kept talking about making an appointment at the dentist, and given the fact that he works away from for four days at a time, I understand that setting a dental appointment can be a challenge.

He waited and waited though, his tooth got worse and worse, and I could see where this was going. I called and made him the appointment. I decided if I had to choose between kissing a toothless husband and making the appointment for him, I would choose the latter of the two.

I gave him the date, location and all of our insurance information. We were all set.

Except, I made a crucial mistake and let him go alone.

I don’t think he realized that going to a new dentist with a ‘toothache’ is like going to a plastic surgeon and saying ‘I’d like a nip and a tuck, but I’m not sure where.’

He came out with a list of suggested ‘fixes’ longer than my graduate school thesis.

When I peppered him with questions, “how much,” “when,” “how much is insurance going to cover,” he stared at me like I’d asked him to pick out my toenail polish color and said, “I don’t know, it’s in the material they gave me. Right?”

UGH!

The first dentist referred him to a specialist, and he just had that appointment today.

Before he went in, I gave him specific instructions:

1.) Find out what is needed to STOP THE PAIN. We are not trying to give you a gleaming Crest smile here.

2.) Find out HOW MUCH IT WILL COST. Better yet, find out WHAT THE PAYMENT OPTIONS are. Payment plans he understood, we are well versed in those.

I got home from work today and he met me at the door with a new  dental thesis.

Apparently, he has a damn abcess, needs a root canal and his wisdom teeth extracted.

Holy dental bills, you have WISDOM TEETH in your head? How did I not know that after twenty years? Who keeps their wisdom teeth?

And you have an ABCESS? Didn’t someone famous dieof an untreated abcess? King Tut? George Washington? Mozart?

He sat down on the bed next to me, as I finished up my work for the day, and he called the first specialist for a visit.

“Um, hello, um, uh, my name is Robert and um, I need an appointment?”

Well ladies, ya’ll know how well that went. The chick on the other end, based on the small bit of information he managed to gurgle out, said they were closed next week and he could be seen at the end of the following week. For an abscess? Come on! He agreed and hung up before I realized what had happened!

I looked at him and said, “you just made an appointment for another consult, in TWO WEEKS, for an ABSCESS?”

“Well, yeah?”

He read my face and said, “um, okay, let me try the other specialist.”

I said, “honey, this time, you need to be a little more urgent. No um’s and uh’s. Tell her your name, that you’ve got a raging, flaming abscess, and you need in immediately.”

“Got it,” he said, and he started dialing the next number.

“UmhellothisisrobertumIhaveanabcessIneedanappointment. Please?”

His version of attempting to speak quickly and with some ‘tude came out about as smoothly as if you’d asked me to speak slowly.

Bless his heart. He was raised right by his mama , to be polite and respectful. He’s just never learned, when you are dealing with the medical or dental field, no one looks out for you but YOU and you better be willing to stand up for yourself. And exaggerate extensively when needed.

He’s got an appointment for Tuesday when he gets off the boat, and an instant new round of medication.

Hopefully, before he retires, he’ll learn how to navigate the medical system, with some training.

‘Cause right now, there ain’t NO APP FOR THAT!

I find that most men would rather have their bellies opened for five hundred dollars than have a tooth pulled for five. ~Martin H. Fischer

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