I did not get on my treadmill at 6 am. There wasn’t enough time due to my work schedule.
I did manage to drag my husband out on a walk tonight. It wasn’t exactly Jane Fonda aerobics, it wasn’t even heart pounding. But it was just moving, out of the house, with no kids, on a nice, fall Houston night when it’s 93 degrees at 95% humidity at 7 pm. 
The weather got me thinking that perhaps I tramuatized myself last year as I attempted to step out of my exercise safe-zone and get creative.
My friend Jason told me about a co-worker who was doing Bikhram Yoga, had lost quite a bit of weight and was very happy with the results. It sounded fascinating, I started Googling.
Come to find out, Bikhram Yoga is also known as HOT YOGA.
YOGA people (or is it Yogi? plural?) don’t lie when they name their classes, I learned that the hard way.
Sure enough, there is a Bikhram Yoga studio 15 minutes away, with classes on Sunday morning.
I skimmed over the info, thinking, okay, Hot Yoga? How ‘hot’ can it be?
I called my boss for advice. She is an exercise guru and I knew she would have the scoop.
There was a long pause as I told her my plans to try Bikhram. I am sure she was thinking at the time, “holy sh*t, she’s in big trouble.” But, being the nice, manager-friend that she was, she very pragmatically explained that yes, it’s very hot, I would need to wear minimal clothing and to be careful what I ate the day before. Huh? Okay whatever, yeah, yeah, how bad can it be? It’s Yoga afterall, right?
I took the advice, wore exercise pants and a tank top, ate minimally the day before, grabbed my yoga mat and headed off on my Sunday morning.
There really are no words to describe how hot it is when they call it ‘Hot Yoga.’
Not only is the room kept, purposely at something like 100 degrees, it’s also kept at around 95% humidity. Sorta like being outside today? Only in an enclosed space, exercising for 90 minutes.
The room literally took my breath away as I entered. It was like there was no oxygen.
I started to actually panic a little at what felt like a lack of air, calmed myself, and found a corner to hide in for the workout.
A sign on the full length mirrors said “new class members should initially use the back rows of the class to watch experienced class members.” No problem.
I laid my pink Yoga mat down, tried to breathe, I mean literally, tried to breathe. I’ve never been so motionless.
Even as I tried to not move a muscle, the sweat started to pour.
Right about then, the instructor arrived.
Mr. Hot Yoga was about 22, wearing what appeared to be a Speedo (and nothing more), a Janet Jackson style headset, and had a voice that sounded like Elmo’s falsetto.
The first thing he did was look straight at me and say, over that head mic where the whole class could hear, “and what’s YOUR NAME?”
I replied and he said, “Well, Shannon, this is your first time hear and you are in the FRONT OF THE CLASS. Why don’t you move to the BACK of the class!”
Now how the hell was I supposed to know that was the front? I sheepishly dragged my stuff to the back of the classroom and found a new square yard.
The best way I can describe Hot Yoga is a form of torture that crosses between aerobics and Twister, in a sauna, with a Drill Sergeant.
And should be outlawed.
This was not your normal OMMMMMMMM type of slow moving, calm, peaceful Yoga.
No siree Bob.
Mr. Speedo stood up there and barked orders, except his barking was closer to a shriek. That Janet mic and Speedo seemed to give him way too much of an ego boost. He thought he was Mr. Thing.
I kept thinking, “And I thought Yoga instructors were all nice and peaceful?”
“Head up, knees back, straighten up SHANNON.”
“Open your eyes SHANNON.”
He called me out at least 15 times, by name, over that freaking loud ass microphone.
In the meantime, I was by that point, standing in a puddle of sweat.
I have never, ever sweat so much, I didn’t know it was even possible. I had sweat between my toes, in my ears, it just poured from places on my body that I didn’t know could even sweat.
And this was five minutes into a 90 minute class. Can you just hear the crashing and burning sound by now?
Every time I closed my eyes, which was frequently in order to keep the salty sweat out, Speedo would yell in his glass cracking voice, “Shannon, OPEN YOUR EYES!”
I tried hard to make it. I’m not a quitter. I was determined to make it at least an hour.
HA.
Fifteen minutes into the class, I started to feel dizzy.
A minute later I started to feel my ‘light breakfast’ headed in the wrong direction.
I’m not a quitter but I’m also not stupid enough to puke in front of Elmo-Speedo and 15 strangers.
I grabbed that Yoga mat and made a bee-line for the door.
On the way out, Elmo said over this mic, “SHANNON, are you feeling okay?”
I wanted to give him a not so nice hand gesture and tell him to go back to Sesame Street but I was afraid if I opened my mouth, my morning meal would come out instead of words.
I moved as fast as my sweaty, slippery, feet would take me, out into the nice cool air conditioning in the lobby.
In a singular, almost fainting, move, I plopped myself down on the couch and tried to regain my composure. I was just ready to whisper, “call 911″ when the girl working behind the counter looked at me compassionatly and said, “first time, huh.” Yeah, I’m a Hot Yoga virgin. Duh.
She was actually very nice and made me some green tea from their tea bar.
She also said people frequently don’t make it through a full class until they’ve done at least 30 classes.
Evidently, I’m not the only Elmo-hater who is unfit for that type of exercise.
Maybe I should just try water aerobics with the senior citizens?
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I have heard about this and been told to try it too…I don’t like to be hot…why would I want to be hotter than hot? I applaud you for trying…I think I am skipping it. Water aerobics with the Seniors might be my speed too.
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Unless you are in super good shape and consider marching through the Mohabi on a steamy day dressed in a parka fun, yes, I would skip it. Or, go watch it first. Actually, just go walk in the room one time and try to breathe and then visualize yourself exercising in there. You will get the picture very quickly!
Well if you ever get brave, or if anyone ever asks, my advice is to just WALK IN THE ROOM before you show up. You will know instantly what I am talking about. I still get nauseaous thinking about it. BLECH. Give me an elliptical any day for an hour over that sweaty, tortuous mess!
Please, please let’s go together! I’ve been considering it for like a year but haven’t had the nuggets to go. I PROMISE to be even more pathetic than you if you’ll just go with me.
P.S. Why is it so darn important for your eyes to be open? Is he just trying to make sure you’re still conscious?
P.P.S. How much did this torture session cost? ‘Cause I’m pretty cheap, on top of being out of shape and not owning a yoga mat, but I do want to try it.
One of us is crazy. I promise.
I don’t know why your eyes need to be open? I didn’t get that either. And it was hard because sweat is salty and it really burned. I almost could NOT keep them open.
The first session is FREE because no one makes it through a first session. I think most places allow the first session free for that reason.
Yoga mat not needed, LOTS of water, big towel, and really minimal clothing.
Shannon, sounds like sheer torture! What an ordeal. I, too, had heard great things about Hot Yoga, but I’m now having my doubts. It’s not likely that Elmo in Speedo has a doppleganger out in California, but this is California, so you never know. Well, you managed to turn this near-death experience into a very entertaining read. I dig your sense of humor!
Jenn
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It was just awful. And how my friend Kelly from work is talking me into to trying it again! I agreed to go watch. And be her ride home if she feels like fainting! Somehow she has twisted me into looking into it again…Kelly if I have to use a sick day to recoup, we’re in trouble!
I like it hot and I like to exercise, but that does not appeal to me! As for the guy in the Speedo, I won’t go there…
Gosh I think I’m glad there’s not an option here to upload photos? Just guessing?
Hey Girl, I can’t believe you wimped out on a little exercise! You’re in Texas – it’s supposed to be hot! If it ain’t hot ya got sumpthing to worry about. At least get your butt on that treadmill!
I’m glad to see that you used discretion in terminating your exercise session before making yourself sick. Any exercise program should be started with caution. The instructor obviously did not have the welfare of the class in mind if, knowing that was your first session, he did not try to caution you as well as explain the stress factors involved. Especially after learning that the average participant took that many sessions before being able to complete the full session. You made the right decision then and now you can make another right decision by not going back there. But please do find another exercise program.
Good for you for giving a try, but you’re not going to catch me in there! I think I’m going to stick to my yoga mat in my living room along with my Wii. hee hee
How funny! I have done the Wii Yoga also. It’s so much easier than hot yoga, lol. And no one barking at you. I kinda consider it cheating yoga but it makes me feel like I’ve done something.