Mom, It’s ME!

My two younger kids are 23 months apart, but they couldn’t be more different in every aspect if they were adopted.

Seriously, like at least once a week we get asked if they’re twins.

And it makes Chase crazy because everyone thinks Jordan is the older ‘twin.’

Twins?

So there I was blow drying my hair this morning, and Chase came storming in waving a STICK OF GUM in my face.

I kept right on blow drying, radio blaring, as he hollered (infuriated) something to the effect of Jordan ‘eating his whole pack of gum.’

The bus was arriving soon, gum was not on my Top Ten List.

I yelled back “You are not supposed to even have gum in school.”

“But, he ate my whole package of gum!” (notice how he ignored the question regarding school rules.)

“You have braces, you are not supposed to even CHEW gum.”

Hair drying going. He’s waving that stick of gum in at me. My patience is vanishing.

“But HE ATE MY WHOLE PACKAGE OF GUM!”

Alrighty then.

I turned the hair dryer OFF and slowly laid it down.

I looked at him and said in a voice that clearly meant “if you don’t get your a** out that door to the bus, we are heading into territory where not even my third cup of coffee will save you:” GO TO SCHOOL. I DON’T CARE ABOUT THE GUM, GET OVER IT.

He got the message loud and clear and stormed out.

For some reason I followed him a few seconds behind, just in time to see the freaking gum wrapper on my foyer table. NO SIREEE BOB.

I opened the front door, he was about twenty-five feet away, my hair was half dried, half-moussed, I’m sure I was a sight.

I yelled down the street, “RYAN CHASE, DO YOU NOT KNOW WHERE THE TRASH IS?”

He turned around and said, “uh, oh, sorry.”

Right then I noticed he didn’t have on his glasses. I could have sworn he was just wearing his glasses while waving that gum at me.

I said, “where are your glasses?”

He looked at me like I was speaking Greek and I repeated my question back down the street.

Apparently he must be overcome with the fact that he turns 14 tomorrow and I just turned 40, and he must think I am blind, deaf and dumb since I’m NOT 14, because he looked at me and said in one of those teenagery-I’m-so-done-with-you voices:

“Mom, it’s ME. CHASE!”

Who the hell did he think I thought I was talking to, Charlie Chan?

I yelled back, “I KNOW who you are, child! I spent TEN HOURS in labor trying to get you OUT OF ME, only to end up needing a reverse tummy tuck that I am still trying to hide! OF COURSE I KNOW WHO YOU ARE!”

I mean, really. Unless it’s after 5, I can always tell my kids apart.

Really now. What full-time-working-mom-to-teenagers can’t tell her kids apart as she is rushing out the door for work with half dried hair, after having just been verally assaulted over a pack of gum?

I know he had those glasses on when he was waving that gum at me.

I just know it.

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